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Babies..........

Sep. 6th, 2013 | 06:08 am
music: Noise

I tried to make amends, 07/10/2007. I came clear to Florida......fml... Good news on your baby... They are the best things in the world but I was like 1000% sure you said you couldn't have babies.... pssshh... why do I still care? It was my choice right? Answer unknown like you always do. I am the liar but your the one that seems to have fit this description the last 10 years... I am just the stupid one that fell for you and still would rescue you.. it's love, I have only felt it once but I tried to settle and that doesn't even work because I feel worse now than I ever have. Well I truly love you and hope your happy but when you don't share an even like that with your close friends I somehow feel somewhere in you your still stuck on me... maybe it's a dream like I have every night or maybe it's a fucking reality that were both going to ignore..... but it's only us being unhappy right? Rich or poor when your with a person you love hiding or in the open your happy, to feel this one more time before I die I would give all the money in the world for....... maybe he will call me up one night so i will drop everything for him and then he will let me down again...... oh, what did you say make it even.. lmao.... i guess it is two miserable people make a right... Stewpit ass.......
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6 years

Mar. 14th, 2013 | 03:27 am

Time stands still on live journal. Is anybody still on here? I guess I still have an account so I'll post. My life revolves around my blond haired, blue eyed baby boys. They are my pride and joy. My grandma is still my favorite person in the world. I am still not where I want to be in life but definitly content on where I am. I am still not married but I have been engaged for 4 years!! I guess I am still afraid of commitment. So maybe wait another 10 years. I just bought a new basset hound puppy, her name is Susie Q. She is a fierce little girl of course this could be because of the boys. I am tired now so I must write more later. Leave something if you still access this site!;)

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fun

Jan. 16th, 2007 | 12:04 pm

Still living life in the fast lane so......... I have yahoo 360 and my sapce find me...

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wow......

Jun. 14th, 2006 | 04:56 am
mood: confused confused

I just noticed I have no one I talk to from school on a regular basis no real friends..... Just Chris and Rusty when I see them at the bars...... and well that an unusal coincidence hahaahaa they are forced into talking to me!!!!!!:)

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bitch bitch bitch

May. 30th, 2006 | 03:46 am

I actually have a lot to say it's been awhile........ first off what is life but a game??????? It's a game you know why... because you can make mistakes and you can't fix them and you can make your choices right but it doesn't always make them good choices..... let's start with this love sucks it does there is nothing good about it...... it feels good for seconds, days, hours, and it hurts for years...... or possibly forever!!!!! Marriage hahahahahaaaaaa............. what is that a promise to try what???? Try to stay together??? hell isn't that any relationship even friendship??????? What but when you take that step they may get a better deal out of the end or even loose more?? Why doesn't this make sense?????? Oh yeah and also when you get married for the wrong decisions yah like that's gonna last that's like a long term head ache!!!!!!! Maybe I just don't want him too and why because really I don't know it all I don't know the feelings the relationship the stability...... hell I know nothing but I do know him!!!! I know him well I know his fears his feelings I sometimes know his thoughts.... better them him??? well no.... how could I?..... I know this though he thinks often what I am doing what if what how what did I do ...... why didn't it........ and if he does now..... after all it's been what almost 2 years??????!!!!!!!! What's that say it doesn't say I need to move on twice as much......... it's saying slow down????!!!!!! He wants kids it's a LARGE issue with him!!!!!!!! He loves them she can't have them what's that say!!!!!!!!!!! How about negitive hell no...... I don't know don't want to curse them but helllllllloooo... GOOD LUCK!!!......... anyways... so I am getting to be a pretty good shot in pool that is... but still I think it's a 50 50 shot~~~!!! don't care what anyone else says.... I am single well of course I am...... look at me fun loving care free cute available, lazy immature obnoxious loud..... who wouldn't want me~~~~~!!!!!!!...... haha I am mee that's who I'll always be............. Love me, hate me, just don't irratate me....................... I'm tierd

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hmmmmmmmm.......

Dec. 26th, 2005 | 04:00 am
mood: crazy crazy

"All men dream: but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dream with open eyes, to make it possible."

If you saw this qoute somewhere it's probably fate.......... so i thought of this today christmas.....
I am mad......... but..... A rose bud is still just as beutiful as the rose because who only thinks of a rose bud....... you imagine the whole rose.... the smell is just as strond to smell the rose bud... but the thorn..... what do you think,......... Anything at anyone time that is beutiful is at one time dangerous for that is what makes it delightful...... To hate someone you have to love them..... and I love him but not so much as a newly mad true love....... it's a passionate feeling for one that you just can't disregard....... It's the feeling people read in your eyes and feel in your heart.... I love him but I feel he was sent to save me........ for I am not the one and cant' truly save him.......
I love you........ but in no way am I in love with you.......

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what was I thinking

Dec. 11th, 2005 | 04:30 am
mood: shocked shocked

so here goes another saga... hmm... horrible speller I know...... well here we go again anyways....... so heres what I really think...... Why am I sitting here at my mom's not with him why? hmmm.... I would never tell him I feel for him sober and do I??? well my heart drops yeah it does I hate that it does... I don't care though but do I?? If he walked in with anyone I'd just find somebody faster.. not because I don't feel for him just because I won't be hurt who is he to hurt me.... I have more going for me! more offers!! more availability!!..... I have it all but I like him I really do...... He completes me hahaahaahaa....... I don't know him when I wake up beside him that's all I do wake up..... no dates.... no knowing..... who cares.... As I have said before sometimes I think I am the one God picked to complete someone elses dreams not my own and when he was done for I thought maybe that's it I made him happy for the last two minutes maybe I did....... I didn't... I didn't do anything ...... Hey guess what Brandi's it's not about you!!!!! Your egotistical!!! ahah my word....... It's all about me well guess what for the last six months it hasn't been well in some sense yes but in all reality not me!!!!!!!!!!!! It's about you for once in your life a woman is thinking of you and if you don't jump on it guess what it's gone........ espeically me.... I am not one to stick around...... I deal for myself.... or people who take me seriously of course..... it's up to you!!! You don't speak sleep alone no don't that's cruel sleep with some whore...... someone that will make you happy for one minute...... because that one minute could be your last and instead of making people feel sorry for u...... Let them know your living like its your last...... hey.... I know I love you..... It's easy to see...... but I'm not infatuated....... I really feel something..... and unlike you....... I will go on......... and find someone new......................................................................................................................


As I walk into his room silence
always as before.
I feel his presence.
I lie down......
He feels me, he needs me,
really he just wants me as before.
I would break mountains.
tame lions, rope tigers.
but as I lie there,
I feel the world stand steel,
for once it's you and I.
Admitt it once to anyone but me,
you'll see what was meant to be.

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why

Nov. 22nd, 2005 | 03:35 am

why do i treat myself like this....... embarass myself........ whhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhtyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
I hate who I have become I hate who I let go....
why in the world would he treat me this way he's my best friend not my fucking lover....... i have done everything in the world at times I have been the most indecent, unhumane person everrrrrrr... but I would never in a million years hurt someone with my absence,...... I have never!!!!!!! What is it is it the games I pllayed thrown in my face no it fucking isn't you know why!!!!!!!
I am not faceless, I am never alone, when I meet someone I love them with all realness and honesty! I lie, I steal hearts, and I did cheat!
But I love whole heartedly!!!
I feel deep with in my soul~~~
I drop myself down to get them something better!
More real more devoted more present not me!
To please everyone not myself!
But it's over!!
and in this note I did write now I know.....
He did too...... He sold hisself for me to do better...... when in reality all i really ever wanted was him it just took a while for me to see we were meant to be....

Time eases all pain but it doesn't make you forget!

Clarice..........

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Two types

Oct. 18th, 2005 | 02:35 am
mood: indescribable
music: silence...........

I've come to a conclusion that may or may not change by the end of today, hell who knows how i think? I don't! i believe there are two types of people in the world type one happy go lucky......... and type two people who believe misery loves company........ every saying, every wise tale, every fantasy.....
defintion of a happy go lucky person someone who don't fucking care it's up or down they always have some luck... there whole day could be shitty but by the end something no matter what goes there way and they notice it.... that's where the luck comes in play and of course with luck your happy.... than type two misery loves company.... now everyone else 90% of the population fit here..ever heard death comes in threes or he'll get his........ that's it when your miserble you believe and possible point out everyone else is too and if there not!!!! Point out there flaws let them notice there fat ugly whorey blah blah...... why????? welll because your not happy if you was would you be noticing these points??? nooooooooooo you'd be fucking happy having fun not noticing horrible things....... and of course everyone does feel a little better as long as there's someone fatter uglier or whorier.... well because than there just not so fucking bad now are they!!! First things these people say one they tell you every accomplishment in 5 minutes and when you say one of yours they have to have done something better.... or if there having only a little misery it's been there done that........... on the other hand they also critisize thereself to you why welll duh..... you'll feel miserable for them..... I am fat ugly stupid ..... well now you feel like an ass and say alllll no your not or everybody feels that way i do all the time I'm fat ugly stupid ...... tooo... everyone has there problems than everybodys miserable well.............. I am both I don't ever think lifes that bad but I am happy go lucky no matter what no day is ever sooooooo horrible that nothing good happends!!!! but on the other side when I don't feel good or am pissed I want everyone else to know it why well hello misery loves company........... hmmmmmmmmmm........ I love I hate I swear I lie and stilll I can't steal there hearts...... so I cry.......... ALONE

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another day late another dollar short and why?

Sep. 28th, 2005 | 09:57 am

hmmmmmmm........ so much to say
let's start to say my bitrhday sucked pretty much... well my parents were awesome though so that's the best.. my friends stood me up....... well they all had relevant excuses but oh well... sooo still single weeeeeeee well I just haven't had the want the desire to give my heart away.... hmmm... I think eric's finally given up a little hope at wanting me I hope so he's a nice guy it's just he's not my type and he annoys the fuck out of me... jen sonjie and i have been hanging out and going wild... they're actually quite a blast... jenny is always just wild... sonjie is sneaky shy but drunk wild and there's me debating on the face i am wearing and the mode i'm in... I like to watch or be in the center of it but it's always a good time.... susie and I are losing touch which we always knew we would were not reliable so that sucks... elissa and i are too... well she pregnant by that dumb fuck so it's excusible.... anna and I are on a brandi's drunk bases or brandi needs her bases but i always compensate her for it so were good... Haven't talked to mike in like forever........ hope him and lori is happy..I'd like to be happy for him because I've always wanted to see him happy but really I'm not because she's going to run him down and he'll fall once again he has bad taste.... hahaha he dated me dumb fuck.....:) So I am still single and it's a good thing I think... well there's rob whom i run into ocasionally and won't give him my number or call him... and eric I've turned down everytime i see him... and jamie who I just don't think it'll work out.... and andy who is lucky his parents have money because he has no motavation to accomplish anything in life except drinking smoking and playing poker..... and joey who well he's always off in the navy so why push things... of course there's adam and that's dead because i get so fucking crazy and he does too when where near each other and I fucked that all up anyways..... I know I am not in love with anybody I definitly have to be over that certain person now I mean it's been 3 years...... and mike I've always just loved him as a friend maybe even a brother but definitly not in any way other than that..... it was easy though..... constant and stable but constant and stable cannot be in any sentance concerning me...... I miss david he was always there to talk too... even though his advice was you look like shit and the only person you have to answer to is yourself and the man upstairs... haha I hope he gets well soon or I am going to go completely insane..... his birthday sucked worse than mine......... and he has as many problems as me and is single too........ but i never knew until this.... my cloud shows it hangs over me and you can see it..... I never saw his...... I mean he was running go lucky..... sort of an inspiration that things go up and down...... i think more than anyone in the world he made me see things more how they are now....... I want to go see him..... I thought i would die if he did... I probable wouldn't have but it would make it easier for me to give up...... if you have no dreams you have no sucess to look forward too..... so someone asked me the other night what are you thinking... and i said does it look like I am thinking.. they said yeah you can see it in your eyes I said do you have all the time to listen they said yes I laughed and said well here we go maybe you'll realize I am not the one you want anyways... I'll try to scare you off and I ran off like this......

So I think about david and why and how and what he was thinking.... no job, no house, no liscense, no girlfriend, money troubles, I have this and more...... so why him why not me..????

than i think about what susie's up too

I need to find a job a real job that I am proud of

why can't i fall in love???? I have 436456 chances and I smile and say don't even try..... your boring, worthless, ugly, fat, stupid, humorless......yada

when really i feel they should think of me as that why are they attracted to me they don't know me??? nobody does anymore..... nobody....

saturday why didn't i say yes when he needed me..... he always is there for me always

i don't want kids....... I don't think I want to get married either

I hurt everyone I touch and try to help

than I turn around look at him and said see what I mean there thoughts not that I am trying to think... just flashes thoughts... and I laughed he said I didn't scare him......than i did think damn it....... hahaa

I lay in astonishment knowing the posibility of you and I,
We would be wonderful for each other,
but it's so awkward your everything i don't want.

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